Sacrifice

 For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.  For what will it profit them if they gain the whole world but forfeit their life? Or what will they give in return for their life?  --Matthew 16:25-26


Growing up I learned very early on that following God meant sacrificing for other people.  Losing one's life was defined pretty broadly so that it included even small sacrifices--like not taking the biggest cookie. 
 
So, why am I bringing this up now? 

I'm finding that something I used to think of as pretty black and white isn't.  Sometimes it's really difficult to tell what it looks like to put others first.  Sometimes what looks like putting others first actually is harmful to them and me and isn't really following God at all.  Sometimes it's just people pleasing (to borrow a phrase from Christian pop psychology).

Speaking of which, I really hate to have people mad at me. 

*****Pretend there are wavy lines blurring the picture as I segue into the past for a minute*****

When I was a kid--really all the way into high school--I used to lie all the time.  Like ridiculously often.  And it was usually to avoid having people mad at me.  Sometime near the end of high school, though, I started to really hate the feeling of having things hidden.  It felt awful to know that people I cared about didn't trust me, and that even when they weren't mad at me we weren't close.  How could we be?  They didn't know me because I was keeping so much of myself hidden.  In trying to keep the appearance of closeness I was actually putting up Medieval fortress-like walls complete with moats and alligators.

*****************  Okay, back to present-day *******************

I do my fair share of self-deception, and I am so far from having things figured out that it isn't even funny.  But I'm really really uncomfortable with consciously pretending, so I sometimes tend to say too much--especially in groups.  One time I actually wrote a note to myself to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT in a particular group because the people in that group were not particularly kind, and there wasn't any particularly good reason to share vulnerable things with that particular group.  Particularly.

Sometimes this tendency puts me in positions where I am the target of people who would rather not hear what I think, but who don't want to just come out and say it.  I've been kicked off a church leadership committee for such a reason.  I don't think I said anything unkindly, but I didn't agree with the higher-ups about how things were running in the children's areas--nothing earth-shattering.  They wanted to hear that the new curriculum was great and was being well-received, and it wasn't.  And me pointing that out was annoying.  Apparently.

And sometimes hearing my personal struggles has been upsetting to people who, for whatever reason, then have felt the need to "confront" me about things that don't really apply to me at all.  And I have been blasted more than once for things that someone has assumed about me because I remind them of someone who did actually do whatever they were then blasting me for.

BTW, please do not hear that I don't think I need to be confronted.  Thankfully I have a number of really good friends (and family) who love me and confront me about things regularly.  (I mean not like on a schedule, but, you know, when I need it--which is pretty regularly.)  They know me and bring things to my attention because they care about me and I am very grateful to them for risking my defensiveness on my behalf.

And that's the crux of my current struggle.  Confronting people who are clearly (at least it seems pretty clear to me) doing something that is destructive to themselves and to others means sacrificing my safety and comfort in order to give them (and maybe the other people they are harming) a gift that they may very well despise me for.  I think it's pretty universal that people don't like having their crap pointed out to them.  And I'm rarely a fan of pointing it out--it usually pisses people off and I think I've been clear that I really don't like that.

But every once in a long while it feels like I am in a position where if I don't say something, Evil wins.  Where it feels like not saying something means that for all intents and purposes I've lied, and that lie has harmed someone.

Does this sound too grand?  Why?  Every story of redemption has an element of the miraculous and a willingness somewhere by someone to sacrifice self for someone else.  Even if it's in a seemingly small way.  (like taking a smaller cookie maybe)

That point in high school when lying suddenly became something that felt awful?  That happened directly because of the willingness of one of my classmates to tell the truth and risk being crucified in the rumor mill by me.  And we weren't even that great of friends at the time.  And we aren't friends now.  But her sacrifice was very formative for me. 

And when telling the truth means that I will be verbally attacked and maligned, there is a part of me that wants to say, "um, good luck with that.  I'm outta here!"  Which I have definitely done sometimes.  But I think the miracle of sacrificing myself for the sake of another is that God is there.  And in the midst of the discomfort, I feel His presence.  Whether my sacrifice means anything to the people I'm standing up to or not, it brings me a little (maybe a lot) closer to being the woman I think God wants me to be.  And that is part of my own personal redemption.  And it is miraculous.