Forgiveness (part 1)

There is a parable in the New Testament about a man who is forgiven a massive debt, and then he turns around and has another man thrown in jail for being unable to repay a relatively small debt. 
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What is forgiveness? 

Something said after, "I'm sorry"? 

A promise to never talk about something again? 

A commitment to try to forget something terrible done to you? 

Or maybe it's a kindness done in return for a wrong.  Maybe it's a cancellation of a debt, or a taste of grace.

Maybe it's the ultimate kind of trust.


I was in a group of people talking about forgiveness yesterday and the group was asked to consider this question: "What is one hurt that you need to forgive?"  As I was pondering that, I realized that for me, forgiveness is not the first step.  Because in order to forgive in the instance I was thinking about, I have to first decide to trust.  (Notice I said have to--because in this case I still have to do it.)

I have to trust that if I forgive, I will not be destroyed.  I have to trust (unlike the man in the parable) that if I don't get to collect the debt I feel I'm owed, I will not become (emotionally) destitute. 

In my case, forgiveness of the person in question means that I have to accept the pain they have caused.  I have to stop holding it at arms length angrily trying to hand it back to them, and I have to let it in.  And the pain they continue to cause--I have to take in the past knowing that the future likely holds more of the same.  And I can't stop it. 

Doing that requires that I trust that God will be with me in the pain and that He will not allow more than I can bear.  Because from this side of the whole mess, it definitely feels like it will be more than I can bear.  It feels like it will be a whole lot more than I can bear.  Otherwise I would've done it by now.

Anyway, forgiveness means I have to trust in the love and power of a good but unpredictable God.  Trust in Someone who loves me more than anyone else could even hope to, but Whose idea of good involves letting his own son die. 

So I am faced with a question I've been wrestling with my whole life--since long before I could put words to the struggle.  How in the hell do I trust a God who might ask me to sacrifice people I care about?  How do I trust a God who might allow me to suffer?  How do I trust a God who says that the only way to find Life is to DIE?  Who says, "If you love Me, give up everything and everyone else in the world that you care about--including yourself--and follow Me.  Follow me into the desert and trust that I will provide for you."

What will be left if I do that?

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Indeed. 

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This is the crux of the matter then.  To forgive means to trust.  It means to give up my claim to my "own" life and to follow God right into the middle of the desert where the only way to survive is to cling to Him.  It means to be willing to die so that I can find Life in the only place that life exists. 

And that is why I want to do it.

In comparison to all the excellent reasons I may have for not forgiving someone, this one keeps tripping me up.  It's kind of like deciding to sneak out as a teenager--I have a list of like ten reasons to stay home and sleep, really good reasons in fact, but then there's that one reason that just seems irresistable that says to go do it.  Except for the obvious difference that that was a bad idea, and following God is a good one--obviously.

Come to think of it--I just realized why that example came to mind.  Way back when I was a teenager and doing all kinds of things destined to make me miserable in the end, that one reason (whatever it happened to be at the time) seemed like Life to me.  That's why it always won out in the end.  It felt like I would be missing out on "my" life if I didn't go.

And now I feel like that again.  Only this time I really will be missing out on Life if I don't find a way to forgive.  If I don't find a way to trust God and let Him be in charge, then I will be missing out on a kind of Life that I can never create on my own.  I know.  I've been there.  And it haunts me and keeps me looking for more. 

And even though I often (okay--usually) resort to my old tricks of trying to get what I need from people or projects or whatever, I always have this sense that God is right there whispering to me that He is the living water I'm so thirsty for.  And if I could only relax and stop frantically trying to scrounge a few more drops I would instantly be drenched.

And sometimes I do listen and stop what I'm doing.  And sometimes, with some things, it isn't as hard as it is at other times with other things. 

Sometimes it's like, "Hey, don't cut your hair, and you'll have incredible strength."(God)  "What??  That's it.  No sweat, I can do that!"(Me) 

And other times it's like, "Hey, tie your kid to a bunch of sticks and sacrifice him."  "Are you completely insane??!!!  He's the only one I've got!  And You gave him to me!  And I trusted You!"  (Thankfully Abraham had a super human amount of faith by then.)

So yeah, there's still a huge part of me that thinks I can probably get enough life to get by without accepting any more pain than I absolutely have to.  But there's also this part of me that remembers what Life is like when I stop worrying about taking care of myself and I stop worrying about the dangers and privations of the desert, and I just stick with Him.

And that's the thing that keeps slowly trumping all the excellent reasons I have for not forgiving.  Well, that and the constant whispering.  Man, He is persistent!  It's like He really wants me to Live freely or something.  :)

Just an old fashioned love story

Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is love stories.  Not like gushy, sappy, totally inappropriate novels with embarrassing covers--like real love stories.  I don't think I mentioned this before, but I'm getting a divorce right now.  Not this exact moment, but this year.  (OMG--it's taken nearly a whole year!!!)  It was a bad situation, and I'm not gonna write much about it here, but the short version is that it's really really good that we're not together anymore.  I think we were slowly killing each other.  But now, the dilemma...

Dating
cue the scary music.

I think I'm a pretty negative person, and this whole marriage experience certainly hasn't helped me when it comes to having a positive attitude about relationships with the opposite gender.  My general assumption is that men will be uber critical, demeaning, harsh, judgmental, angry, controlling, and generally unpleasant to be around behind closed doors--or in public, if you cross them.  Of course, I would never say that in my head, let alone out loud, but I can tell from the way that I react to the men I know that that's what I really believe.

Messed up. 

It hit me one day when my one year old niece was throwing a tantrum, that I fully expected (and was even physically bracing for) my brother-in-law to lose his temper and yell at her.  You know, get right up in her face and scare the daylights out of her.  Aack!  He's one of the most even-keel and non-temper-losing men I know!  and he loves his daughter, and wants her to feel safe.  And--and this is the biggest one--he loves God and really tries to be like Jesus.  He doesn't just control his rage at this beautiful little girl who was being more annoying than heck right then, he wasn't enraged to begin with.  And it's not because he's so perfect.  It's because he knows the part of himself that wants to throw a tantrum sometimes, and he's known God's grace in those moments.  That's why he can love her when she's being so unlovely.

And that's me, too.  Unlovely.  Often.  And God loves me anyway.  So much so that He made the ultimate sacrifice for me even while I was mid-tantrum and full on thrashing and snotty and screaming because I wasn't getting my way. 

Way back, a year ago, I was a mess and trying to figure out what to do in a marriage that was killing me and my family, and my sister asked me what God had to say about it.  I was ashamed to say that I didn't know.  Hadn't asked.

What!?  You're contemplating messing with something God has really strong feelings about, and you haven't even thought to talk to Him about it?!!?! 

The thing is, I was afraid He would be critical, demeaning, harsh, judgmental, angry, controlling, and generally unpleasant to listen to if I brought it up.  More than that--I was afraid He would be super disappointed in me if I said, "I just can't take this anymore.  I'm thinking about quitting." 

In my book, quitting is the ultimate sin.  I know, I know, it isn't even one of the ten commandments, but I'm pretty sure it's worse than working on Sunday.

Marriage is like...marriage.  It's supposed to be forever.  Not, "oh crap, this is hard!  I think I'm done now."

And I just didn't want to see the look in His eyes or hear the shock and hurt in His voice when I said that I couldn't handle it any more.  It makes me cry just to think about it.  Seriously...tears rolling down right now while I type.

But, you know what?  He wasn't any of those things that I was afraid of.  He was just...kind.  He didn't scold or berate or harangue or anything.  He just said that He loved me and that He would be with me.  Oh, and He told me that He wants me to work on seeing myself the way that He sees me--which is impossible and also really really hard to do, but I'm working on it.

Which brings me back to (dah dah dah dum) DATING.

See, I think people are mirrors for us.  Sometimes they are crazy fun house mirrors (which isn't fun at all, btw), but sometimes they are mirrors that show us what God sees when He looks at us.  Sometimes we see kindness and genuine love reflected in the faces of those we choose to show ourselves to.  And I'm really afraid that I'm going to be drawn to the fun house mirrors and not even know it until the damage has been done.  Again.  And I don't want to be looking in fun house mirrors for the rest of my life.  But there are a lot of them out there.  I know.  I've been one.  And I'll probably be one again for some poor, hapless person who glances at me at the wrong time or in the "wrong" way.

Anyway, God is teaching me to value myself in ways I'm uncomfortable with.  And I think dating is going to be kind of like a series of pop quizzes where each new person will hold up their particular fun house mirror and I'll be like, "oh wait, I know this one...you just see a single mom when you look at me, but God says I'm more than that."  Or, "you think I'm invisible, but I'm just nervous.  God sees me, though, and when I calm down, I can let you see me, too.  I'm worth the wait and the extra effort." 

Some day I want to be part of an awesome love story with an awesome man who doesn't give me a fun house reflection of myself.  (or at least not usually--let's be realistic.)  But until then, and even during then, I'm already in the most awesome love story ever.  Cause God never gives me a fun house reflection of myself.  And He loves me all the time and He will never leave or forsake me.  And the more I learn to see Him with non-fun-house-dazed eyes, the easier it is to recognize the distortions in other people's eyes, and to keep looking at Him.  Oh, and also to see other people accurately so that I don't hold up a fun house mirror to them either.

Good friends and t-shirts

So....

I've got nothin'--no excuses at all here.  I think it's almost May, and I haven't posted a single thing since that second (technically third) post.  And also, I think that last post was pretty boring.  So no offence to me, but I think it would be better if I stay away from talking about gardening stuff.  Ugh...
I hope I don't sound that inane when I talk about that stuff out loud. 

To actual people. 
Who I want to like me, and not start avoiding me like the plague. 

But I suspect it might really be even worse than that.  I must have super awesome friends if that's what they have to put up with, and they're still here. 

Thanks, guys!

Since my last post I've done lots of stuff, but none of it was garden related.  This is a little like Freshman year in college where you change your major every few weeks--except I'm changing the focus of my blog every post or two.  And I'm going to do the same thing I did then, which is just declare right now that there will be no focus.  I'm just gonna (metaphorically) take whatever classes I want to, and then see what major can be made from the classes I took.  :)  Which, incidentally, turned out to be English, and then when I failed a critical test near the end, took a turn toward Psychology, and then finished out *oh never mind, this side note is getting too long.

Speaking of metaphors, a fellow Divorce Care participant had on a t-shirt that made me laugh out loud the other day.  Non-English majors go ahead and roll your eyes now.  It said, "Metaphors be with you" in standard Star Wars font.  It was really awesome.  If anyone who knows me is reading this, I want that shirt for my birthday!

Another shirt I wish I could wear (but it would be weird because I'm so bad at math that it would seem too ironic to be funny) says, "I'm a bomb technician.  If you see me running, try to keep up." 

And then there's the one my sister wears that has a picture of a cute little hedgehog on it and says, "Hedgehogs, why don't they just share the hedge?"  And the word bubble over the picture says, "No."  Who comes up with these things?  So much funnier than "I'm with stupid -->"!