Just an old fashioned love story

Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is love stories.  Not like gushy, sappy, totally inappropriate novels with embarrassing covers--like real love stories.  I don't think I mentioned this before, but I'm getting a divorce right now.  Not this exact moment, but this year.  (OMG--it's taken nearly a whole year!!!)  It was a bad situation, and I'm not gonna write much about it here, but the short version is that it's really really good that we're not together anymore.  I think we were slowly killing each other.  But now, the dilemma...

Dating
cue the scary music.

I think I'm a pretty negative person, and this whole marriage experience certainly hasn't helped me when it comes to having a positive attitude about relationships with the opposite gender.  My general assumption is that men will be uber critical, demeaning, harsh, judgmental, angry, controlling, and generally unpleasant to be around behind closed doors--or in public, if you cross them.  Of course, I would never say that in my head, let alone out loud, but I can tell from the way that I react to the men I know that that's what I really believe.

Messed up. 

It hit me one day when my one year old niece was throwing a tantrum, that I fully expected (and was even physically bracing for) my brother-in-law to lose his temper and yell at her.  You know, get right up in her face and scare the daylights out of her.  Aack!  He's one of the most even-keel and non-temper-losing men I know!  and he loves his daughter, and wants her to feel safe.  And--and this is the biggest one--he loves God and really tries to be like Jesus.  He doesn't just control his rage at this beautiful little girl who was being more annoying than heck right then, he wasn't enraged to begin with.  And it's not because he's so perfect.  It's because he knows the part of himself that wants to throw a tantrum sometimes, and he's known God's grace in those moments.  That's why he can love her when she's being so unlovely.

And that's me, too.  Unlovely.  Often.  And God loves me anyway.  So much so that He made the ultimate sacrifice for me even while I was mid-tantrum and full on thrashing and snotty and screaming because I wasn't getting my way. 

Way back, a year ago, I was a mess and trying to figure out what to do in a marriage that was killing me and my family, and my sister asked me what God had to say about it.  I was ashamed to say that I didn't know.  Hadn't asked.

What!?  You're contemplating messing with something God has really strong feelings about, and you haven't even thought to talk to Him about it?!!?! 

The thing is, I was afraid He would be critical, demeaning, harsh, judgmental, angry, controlling, and generally unpleasant to listen to if I brought it up.  More than that--I was afraid He would be super disappointed in me if I said, "I just can't take this anymore.  I'm thinking about quitting." 

In my book, quitting is the ultimate sin.  I know, I know, it isn't even one of the ten commandments, but I'm pretty sure it's worse than working on Sunday.

Marriage is like...marriage.  It's supposed to be forever.  Not, "oh crap, this is hard!  I think I'm done now."

And I just didn't want to see the look in His eyes or hear the shock and hurt in His voice when I said that I couldn't handle it any more.  It makes me cry just to think about it.  Seriously...tears rolling down right now while I type.

But, you know what?  He wasn't any of those things that I was afraid of.  He was just...kind.  He didn't scold or berate or harangue or anything.  He just said that He loved me and that He would be with me.  Oh, and He told me that He wants me to work on seeing myself the way that He sees me--which is impossible and also really really hard to do, but I'm working on it.

Which brings me back to (dah dah dah dum) DATING.

See, I think people are mirrors for us.  Sometimes they are crazy fun house mirrors (which isn't fun at all, btw), but sometimes they are mirrors that show us what God sees when He looks at us.  Sometimes we see kindness and genuine love reflected in the faces of those we choose to show ourselves to.  And I'm really afraid that I'm going to be drawn to the fun house mirrors and not even know it until the damage has been done.  Again.  And I don't want to be looking in fun house mirrors for the rest of my life.  But there are a lot of them out there.  I know.  I've been one.  And I'll probably be one again for some poor, hapless person who glances at me at the wrong time or in the "wrong" way.

Anyway, God is teaching me to value myself in ways I'm uncomfortable with.  And I think dating is going to be kind of like a series of pop quizzes where each new person will hold up their particular fun house mirror and I'll be like, "oh wait, I know this one...you just see a single mom when you look at me, but God says I'm more than that."  Or, "you think I'm invisible, but I'm just nervous.  God sees me, though, and when I calm down, I can let you see me, too.  I'm worth the wait and the extra effort." 

Some day I want to be part of an awesome love story with an awesome man who doesn't give me a fun house reflection of myself.  (or at least not usually--let's be realistic.)  But until then, and even during then, I'm already in the most awesome love story ever.  Cause God never gives me a fun house reflection of myself.  And He loves me all the time and He will never leave or forsake me.  And the more I learn to see Him with non-fun-house-dazed eyes, the easier it is to recognize the distortions in other people's eyes, and to keep looking at Him.  Oh, and also to see other people accurately so that I don't hold up a fun house mirror to them either.